New Year's Resolutions

I've been thinking long and hard about what I want to accomplish this upcoming year other than the ubiquitous goal of being a better mother, wife and spiritual person and I think I have it narrowed down to a few attainable things:

I wish I could say I am going to lose 25 lbs by the end of the year, but it seems that the only way I can do that is to get pregnant, gain 20-50 lbs and then lose it in the following months and then be at a stand still about five pounds under pre-pregnancy weight. So, I'm just going to say that I'm not going to gain any weight and if I lose some, then bonus. So it looks like 2010 will be a pregnant-me-less year.

I am going to eat healthier... Right after I eat all my clearanced after-Christmas candy we splurged on.
...
And I don't think that will include the after Valentines Day chocolate, either.

I will potty train Aiden. Does this even count as a New Year's Resolution? Aren't those supposed to be something that you do to better yourself? I'm sure this counts because smelling his poopy diapers up close and personal on a daily basis can't be good for my health.

I will pack my house up before the last week before we move, minus essentials, of course. I hate moving. A lot. I moved once the entire time I grew up, and I was 6 so it doesn't really count. I didn't do anything to pack. The only thing I remember around that time in my life has nothing to do with boxes and packing tape and moving trucks, but instead my dog being ran over by a car, being excited about my first plane ride and being terribly upset that I was missing my Christmas Concert at school. Really, why couldn't we have moved our entire family a week later so I could sing with my other classmates for 20 minutes? That's not irrational, 6 year-old mind reasoning at all.
But anyway. I moved when I was 6 and that doesn't really count as having to deal with the moving process, but then when I was 19, that was across country from New Mexico to Florida and that was a process.... And again when I was 20, not across country, but I had "grown-up" stuff that made it a process that was moved in the back of my brother in-law's pick-up truck, load after load after load ..... And then again when I was 21.... And then when I was 23, with a 14 month old and 7 weeks vomiting-pregnant.... And now again when I will be 24, across country, from Florida to Utah, with two children and my husband staying behind for an extra month or so. I hope I won't have to move again for a while after this one because I'm tired of it.

But onto the most important ones:

I resolve that I will not be so desperate for the lime-light that I will pretend my son is caught in a homemade balloon that is drifting away.

I resolve to keep my threats away from the "shove a ball down your throat" path.

I resolve to not be, in any way, shape or form, like Kanye West.

I resolve to keep my congratulational gestures to hand shaking when it comes to blind people. That way my high-five won't be left hanging.... on national television... on one of the most watched shows.

I resolve this year that I will not marry someone, have twins with them, try for just one more and end up with six more and drive them so crazy by my constant nagging and stupid hair cut that they are driven to cheat on me with someone way younger just months after renewing our vows and telling the world that you are doing this so your children will know that Mommy and Daddy will always be together, no matter what.

I resolve to only fly US Airways through a flock of birds if Chesley B. Sullenburger III is my pilot.

I resolve to keep being a homebody instead of turning myself into a famous golfer that then cheats on their spouse with more than a baker's dozen of women.

I resolve to not take fertility drugs and end up pregnant with 8 babies.... especially if I already have 6 at home.

I resolve that when I win a record number of gold medals at the Olympics, I will not find myself in a huge controversy because a picture of me smoking pot surfaced.


I resolve to never help Drew Peterson with anything. Especially anything that involves disposing of blue barrels.

I resolve to stay home instead of flying on any commercial airplane if I have tuberculosis.

I resolve to not help a pimp and prostitute in their endeavors to open an under-aged brothel.

I resolve to leave the biggest carbon footprint possible, now that we know that Global Warming isn't real.

And last but certainly not the least:

I resolve that if I find myself attending a Midnight Mass with the Pope, I will not attack him because no matter who you are, or what you believe, that cannot be a good thing.

Seriously, how could you see this and think, "I'm going to attack that man."

Hope 2010 brings you all the best!!

Notice how I didn't mention anything about Michael Jackson? That's how it should be...